Making the right connection

September 14, 2014 at 5:52 pm Leave a comment

I recently realized that I no longer give myself permission to fully experience and articulate feelings like despair, discouragement and depression. It partially comes from a misguided sense that all Christians should be happy in spite of all their tribulations, that we should all be leading perfect lives since we know Christ intimately. It is also due to the lack of me time lately.I have traded in the ability to acknowledge my vulnerability for a couple of dangerous words: distraction and disconnection. I have lost the habit of being still to great spiritual disadvantage – I have no time, I am too exhausted, I have too much to do has become my mantra.I hurry through my uninspired prayer time. I am restless, my mind speeds ahead to where I should be next, and I keep having to force myself to slow down. The present, God’s presence, is mostly lost to me. In my distraction I am disconnected from the One who truly grounds me. I do not allow Him to minister to me with His healing love.

It is not to say that I do not have a close relationship with Jesus still and that I do not receive His graces, far from it, but I cannot grow in self awareness if I keep stifling my emotions. I cannot flesh out the person He made me to be if I am reduced to a walking robot. I cannot grow more in my understanding and worship of Christ. Instead of fighting the good fight, I will crash and burn, sooner or later.

We can argue, God knows everything so why bother bringing everything up, especially bad feelings which will only make one feel worse. The converse is true. Plus, I have found that in not acknowledging negative emotions, I walk around numb, distanced from reality, and this skews my vision of self, others and the world badly.

I am more prone to negative thoughts and imagined slights from others. Being ultra sensitive, I get upset very easily. I also walk around with a Do Not Disturb sign on my heart and I am hesitant to engage with others for I feel burdened under the weight of their crosses even though intellectually, I know I am not the messiah.

I wear my unvoiced desolation as if it were amour to block the world out. I babble repeatedly to myself platitudes such as all things work together for good to those who love God and Jesus will protect me against all evil, but without any real conviction.

In failing to utter my laments to Jesus, I also display an arrogant sort of independence, a false humility, lying to myself in the process. He does not want to hear about my pain. I am not important or good enough to take up His time. How silly, for I trap myself in the darkness of pride and shame.

Vulnerability is not a bad thing. Feeling disheartened or depressed does not make me a lousy Christian, unless I behave like one. God does not require me to be happy all the time, merely honest and sincere, a humble, contrite heart He will not spurn.

If we share with the Father our triumphs and failures, our joys and our sorrows, our strengths and our weaknesses, our nobility and our despicability, then we will stay focused and connected to Him, and to the world. We can then do all things through Christ who strengthens us when we are in right relationship with Him. Thus, we will be fully alive.

NB The W2W Ministry is currently working through John Powell’s Fully Alive Experience, a great programme to learn how to live out God’s glory to the fullest. 

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Entry filed under: Inspiring Faith.

The Measure of our knowledge of God Fullness and Foolishness

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